The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You Quotes

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If you just found out you had six months left to live, the first thing I’d do is apologize for not delivering the letter 182 days ago, when your doctor first handed it to me to hand to you.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I told the Nicks I had to nix their idea. I mean it’s silly. Why would I name all my clones Nick Name? If I did that, what would their nicknames be?

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

Most people assume because my name is Jarod that I was born Martha proof. But I'm not Martha proof—I'm merely Martha resistant up to 100 meters.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I’d like to invent a product that’ll turn 18-year-olds into 21-year-olds, and sell it in front of bars.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I met a girl today, and she wants to go out tonight. I'm like, What's the rush? I'm thirty years old, and fate has made me wait three decades to meet you, so what's another ten years?

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

God gave man feet for which to walk. And crush grapes. Can I get you a glass of wine? It’s homemade, though it kind of smells funky.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

Forget plastic surgery. Enhance your beauty by getting those around you drunk.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

Irish I were I wish, so being drunk all the time would be socially acceptable.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I saw a nipple and I got an erection. It was a man’s nipple, and I was standing alone in front of a mirror.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

Arrogant and ignorant go together like peanut butter and jelly. Would you like a sandwich?

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

Any fool can masturbate, but it takes a real artist to make it look like sex.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

As an artist, I’m aspiring for a Triple George—being compared to George Orwell, George Carlin, and Curious George.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

A water fountain is a drinkable sculpture. I just drank one shaped like my father, and I can’t wait to shoot him out of my penis, so I can abandon him like he did to me.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

Don’t alter my altar. I don’t believe you don’t believe.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I'm a competitor, and I welcome competition. My ideal matchup would be the best versus the best, or more concretely, me versus my clone. I don't know if he'd beat me or if I'd beat him, but I could guarantee that no matter who wins, I'd win.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

There’s bird shit on my toilet paper, and my asshole stings from such a long flight.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

Riding a bicycle makes you impotent. That’s why I carry a bicycle seat in my pocket—because it’s better than wearing a condom.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I wasn’t around when Kennedy got shot. Not being born yet is a pretty good alibi. Still, if the cops ask where I was, tell them I was with you.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You