People always see me writing and ask me if they can read my writing. The answer is yes, after I publish it and they pay for it.
People ask me all the time, “Jarod, how come you are so much more romantic than anybody else?” And I say, “Simple. I have brains, heart, courage, and most importantly, I have ruby red slippers.
Despite being tired, I couldn’t sleep. Sometimes having a functioning penis can be a real drag (especially if it always dangles along the ground as I walk).
Smiling is the way the soul says hello. Obviously a frown means goodbye. Is there a word halfway between hello and goodbye? Because that’s what my soul is saying right now.
Are you OK with pissing people off to succeed? Because that’s what will happen. Success pisses off the unsuccessful.
I saw a baby make a boom-boom in his diaper, and I thought, I’d never have suspected him of being a terrorist.
If you could buy time, I would sell it. Yesterday would be expensive, and tomorrow would be cheap.
One day I want to be so wealthy I can say to my wife, “let’s take a drive—to the end of our driveway and back” and have that be a two-hour round trip.
Half of what I write is garbage, but if I don't write it down it decomposes in my head.
Most writers might as well write in invisible ink, because if what they’re writing is forgettable, it might as well be invisible too.
