The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over. Quotes

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Mouths are longer than they are wide, to ensure words don’t come out sideways. Even the word “sideways” comes out straight.

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction and landed 333 miles away in the ears of a confused farmer. He was nice, though. He sent me a kind letter saying that while he was ...

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

War is fought over futile and feudal things. War is not about ideology, no matter how artfully framed, but it’s simply about power and money and control.

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

Out of love I made you a cake. Also out of milk, eggs, flour, sugar, and vanilla.

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

I’m famous for my Shepherd’s Pie. Here’s my recipe: lamb, potatoes, cheese, peas, paprika, and a wool-covered apron for the chef/shepherd/wolf-like politician to wear while serving the sheeple up.


The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

A mafia don could snap his fingers and somebody would snap my neck. But when I snap my fingers, people start dancing. Or at least my clones would.

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father.

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date.


The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

The bad news is the butcher’s dead. The good news is there’ll be no need for a funeral, and I’ve got enough meat to last for weeks.

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

People say, How could God allow helpless children to die? While I look around the world and see corruption, pollution, filth, lies, deception, poverty, and heartache, and I say, Gee, how come I wasn’t lucky enough to have God snatch me out of the w...

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

Nearly all of the men I admire are dead, because admiration is fueled by mystery. And what's more mysterious than death? Nothing. Well, besides women, of course.

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

The flashing black line on an empty Word document reminds me that my life is counting down second by second, and that if I don’t write I’ll have wasted my time here on earth.

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

Drinks heavily loaded with ice are reasonably effective, but the best way to cool down is to cuddle with a recently deceased person.

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

Dream headline from Orafouraville Times: Man Let Go By Employer, Falls To Death

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

All the ideas in the universe can be described by words. Therefore, if you simply take all the words and rearrange them randomly enough times, you’re bound to hit upon at least a few great ideas eventually. Sausage donkey swallows flying guillotine...

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

I don’t collect awards, I collect empty trophy cases. Once my collection is large enough, I’m going to start collecting broken dreams.

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

In my dream I woke up to realize I was tired and needed to go to sleep. Then I slowly remembered that I was asleep, but that I needed to wake up and write this down. Blah.

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

The state of North Carolina, Daisy, and John Wayne walked into a bar, and I shouted, “Duke!” and the bartender threw me out, because he was a Chapel Hill fan, and I was drunk.

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.