The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over. Quotes

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I know great art when someone doesn’t wash their hands after making it. And not only did Duchamp not wash his hands, but he didn’t even flush!

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the water table of wisdom.


The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

Scars exist to show that I existed. I myself don’t have any scars, but every single one of my friends has a healed up knife wound deep in their back.


The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

All my best writing was written before 1982, and then a significant event happened to me: I was born.

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

The best part about having kids is not actually having to have kids. Thank you, women.

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

I’m not exactly sympathetic, but I do have a big heart. I have to, to be able to pump all the blood required to operate my massive penis.

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your body weight.

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two readers (three, to be exact). So I’d like to take a moment and say thanks mom, dad, and kidnap victim I keep chained in the basement.

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

I prefer physical books to eBooks, because an eBook can’t be the solution to a wobbly chair like a real book can.

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

I just wrote the book of love. Well, I coauthored it with Cupid and Nicholas Sparks.

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

I am quite possibly the world's bravest coward. I have never backed down from backing down from a fight.

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

I once saw a snake having sex with a vulture, and I thought, It’s just business as usual in Washington DC.

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

Of all the things God created, from sunrises and rainbows, to black holes and humor, cats are the most fascinating to me.


The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

When people change, I’m disappointed they’re not who I remember them being. And when people don’t change, I’m disappointed they still are who they were. All people do is disappoint, and I do mean all people.

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

I bought an oxygen tank, because with the global population at over seven billion people and rising, what if the world were to suddenly run out of air? And while the people will be suffocating, I’ll be the only guy prepared to pillage and loot.


The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

You can tell a lot about a person's character by how they do life's menial tasks. For example, I saw my neighbor washing dishes, and I could immediately tell that he was an adulterer by the way my wife's naked body glistened through his kitchen windo...

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

I want to write a song about retaliation called, "Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm...While You Were Out of Town.

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

If coffee meant vagina, I’d ask you if you wanted cream in your coffee. But it doesn’t mean that, so I’ll just sit here and continue sipping my mug full of steaming vagina.

The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.