So many chairs, and no time to sit Quotes

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Can the government grow the economy like a farmer grows an erection, or a male porn star grows a tree?

So many chairs, and no time to sit

I am a fact factory. I make things you can’t make up.

So many chairs, and no time to sit

I can’t can’t, but since I can’t, I clearly can.

So many chairs, and no time to sit

I’ll give you the mother-in-law discount—200% of the 50% off sales price.

So many chairs, and no time to sit

Witty sayings don’t grow on bumpers the way babies do. I was raised by a single rush hour.

So many chairs, and no time to sit

I want to be a dad. Sorry, I’m dyslexic. I meant to write dad.

So many chairs, and no time to sit

My grandmother got approved right before the law changed, so naturally she got grandfathered in. In related news, but completely unrelated, I was adopted.

So many chairs, and no time to sit

I ate a rainbow in a bowl, because it’s better than eating rain soup. Food and water aren’t supposed to be one and the same. 

So many chairs, and no time to sit

Inviting the invading army over for dinner, buffet style, is a bad idea. Especially when I just took a bath in the last of your mac and cheese.

So many chairs, and no time to sit

Though my stomach is only the size of a pea, I could eat two politicians’ brains.

So many chairs, and no time to sit

I cried during my wedding, but my wife did not. That’s natural, because I was losing my freedom, and she was gaining a slave.

So many chairs, and no time to sit

A real patriot doesn’t unconditionally stick up for his government—he stands up for freedom.

So many chairs, and no time to sit

I got you a birthday present. The box is the exact same size as a coffin.

So many chairs, and no time to sit

The great thing about being a government is you can wage nonsensical wars, and people will line up to give their lives in exchange for small paychecks and being called patriots. 

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Americans are self-reliant—on the government.

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A doctor can’t afford to take a sick day, because that’s most unprofessional. How does it look if a “healer” is unhealthy?

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I place a higher value on human life than on no human life. But only barely. 

So many chairs, and no time to sit

You don’t know her like I do, because you don’t know her like I don’t. It’s true, I don’t know her at all. What’s she like?

So many chairs, and no time to sit