Sleepwalking is restercise Quotes

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I’ll take a side of mashed potatoes—on the left side. And the right side. 

Sleepwalking is restercise

Like pets, I name my leftover food. Only I name them all after myself, partly so my coworkers won’t eat them in the fridge, but mostly out of vanity.

Sleepwalking is restercise

The good news is my neighbor survived the fire. The bad news is I like my food cooked a little more thoroughly.

Sleepwalking is restercise

The Italians say ciao. The Chinese say Chow. And the Americans chow while they say stuff. 

Sleepwalking is restercise

No matter which end of a hotdog you take your first bite from, I’ll tell you you’re eating it backwards. I’m serious, I think you may be dyslexic.

Sleepwalking is restercise

When she said she’s making dinner, my initial reaction was, “Sex!” When she said she wanted to go lay down, my initial response was, “Sex!” No matter what she said, I always thought, “Sex!” She must be one freaky nymphomaniac, because e...

Sleepwalking is restercise

The best ingredient is free. Free always makes food taste better.

Sleepwalking is restercise

Menus are sexist. I prefer the term womenu.

Sleepwalking is restercise

Dinner for two is dinner for one, when one of the two is a cannibal.

Sleepwalking is restercise

I consume knowledge like food. I prefer learning about fruits and vegetables.

Sleepwalking is restercise

Who’d pay more to get less? Only a fool—or a government agency. 

Sleepwalking is restercise

Palindromes—making life easier for dyslexics since, like, forever.

Sleepwalking is restercise

The reason the police buy water cannons is not only to control rowdy crowds, but also because my penis is not for sale. However, it is for rent, but not in the fight against freedom. 

Sleepwalking is restercise

Collecting gold and silver is like collecting your freedom, one ounce at a time. 

Sleepwalking is restercise

Tonight at 8:00. My bed. Bring a friend, and I’ll show you how to make a Snuggle Sandwich.

Sleepwalking is restercise

I’m productive. I make things. I make fun.

Sleepwalking is restercise

I had tons of fun, minus 3,999 pounds. 

Sleepwalking is restercise

Why can’t car washes be giant waterslides for cars? Speaking of fun, why can’t sex be fun, rather than something you begrudgingly pay for, like taxes.

Sleepwalking is restercise