Sleepwalking is restercise Quotes

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I can’t say I can’t say can’t, because I can. I believe I don’t believe. 

Sleepwalking is restercise

My life story is too long to tweet. Too long by two characters—and by characters I don’t mean Dora J. Arod and Dark Jar Tin Zoo.

Sleepwalking is restercise

I had an unconventional birth. I popped out of a vending machine, precisely like books don’t. But you shouldn’t read too much into it.

Sleepwalking is restercise

Blood looks like red wine, but doesn’t go as well with cheese. And too much is spilled in war. No wine should ever be spilled on a battlefield.

Sleepwalking is restercise

My body looks the same, but I gained 20 pounds. The difference is that right now I have an erection, and before I didn’t. 

Sleepwalking is restercise

I wrote a horror novel. I put the “boo” in book.

Sleepwalking is restercise

I work for a mom and pop business. They’re my mom and pop, and my paycheck is called my “Allowance.

Sleepwalking is restercise

I hate office politics. Still, I’m running for office mayor.

Sleepwalking is restercise

Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the machine accepts hugs. 

Sleepwalking is restercise

Call me archaic, but I like making money the old-fashioned way—through prostitution.

Sleepwalking is restercise

He looked groggy, and he told me he didn’t get any sleep, so I handed him a cat, because that’s like extra sleep right there.

Sleepwalking is restercise

The key to making supreme Snuggle Pudding is mixing in enough cat.

Sleepwalking is restercise

I would pull at my beard like a wise man, but I don’t have one—a beard (or a wise man). So instead I pull at my grandpa’s beard, as he purrs like a kitten.

Sleepwalking is restercise

Cap’n and I are available for birthday parties at reasonable prices. He does magic, and I make your cake disappear.

Sleepwalking is restercise

Sleeping, it’s what cats do best. It’s why they are my heroes. 

Sleepwalking is restercise

Cats are geniuses, because they know that looking out windows is better than watching Reality TV.

Sleepwalking is restercise

My cat just licked my eyeball. Probably because I look like an asshole. I also look like an asshole.

Sleepwalking is restercise

I sleep around. I sleep around my cat, who sleeps like a boulder in the middle of the bed and refuses to move. 

Sleepwalking is restercise