Sleepwalking is restercise Quotes

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Nobody showed up to my wedding, even though I sent out 50 invitations. The problem was 49 of the people were dead when I sent them out, and the 50th person died shortly after I tracked him down.

Sleepwalking is restercise

I looked up from my paper and tried to remember her name. I was drawing a blank. That’s what happens when I doodle in invisible ink. 

Sleepwalking is restercise

Would you mind if I used your kitchen sink to take a bath? I have the hygiene of a midget.

Sleepwalking is restercise

To find my mistakes, you’re going to need a shovel—and a missing person’s list.

Sleepwalking is restercise

A company with no advertising is like a car with no headlights—it runs smoothly during the day, when people are awake and shopping, and saves money at night, when people are asleep.

Sleepwalking is restercise

Orange juice so fresh it’s like a straw in an apple. Change for a twenty? Five fives, if you’ve got them. 

Sleepwalking is restercise

I’m making top dollar now. I just wish I were making the bottom dollars too.

Sleepwalking is restercise

I’m 31 and she’s three decades younger. She’s like the mother I never had.

Sleepwalking is restercise

I can read in bed all night long. I can watch movies all night long. And I can have sex for literally minutes.

Sleepwalking is restercise

What’s safer turned off? The TV. Less murder in the world. 

Sleepwalking is restercise

She tried to kill me. The problem is she did it slowly, almost invisibly, so the whole murder would take about 50 years. 

Sleepwalking is restercise

Old habits die hard. Especially if those old habits involve murder and death. 

Sleepwalking is restercise

The music had me intoxicated. The alcohol had me drunk. I partied so hard I threw up, and in a moment of nauseousness I vowed to never listen to music again.

Sleepwalking is restercise

I think a rocking chair should at least be able to play air guitar before you call it rocking.

Sleepwalking is restercise

I got rid of my car, and bought a garage band instead. Music gets better gas mileage.

Sleepwalking is restercise

I just made a cool music box. It’s six feet tall, and can hold five people.

Sleepwalking is restercise

I’m expanding my band. I’m adding audience members.

Sleepwalking is restercise

If you bring bring the karaoke machine, I'll bring the air guitar. Also, if you bring two brings, like I just brought, we can have a Redundancy Party.

Sleepwalking is restercise