Sleepwalking is restercise Quotes

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What defines me as a person? A dictionary. 

Sleepwalking is restercise

We all long for something. Midgets long to be long, but I long to belong.

Sleepwalking is restercise

Right now it’s 77 degrees—even if you’re a dyslexic.

Sleepwalking is restercise

I’m so hungry I could eat a mop. I mean map. I’m so lost when it comes to words.

Sleepwalking is restercise

The robber pointed a gun at me and said, “If you don’t give me your wallet, I’m going to kill you. And you don’t want to die, do you?” To which I replied, “Well, eventually yes. Immortality would be dreadfully mundane.

Sleepwalking is restercise

His twin brother died, and rather than assume he felt sad, I imagined he felt like an individual. Finally, he was one of one, not one of two.

Sleepwalking is restercise

When I hear people say Rest In Peace, I get jealous, because I’m a restless sleeper.

Sleepwalking is restercise

I don’t care who you hang out with, so long as it’s either me or my clones. See, I’m not a jealous type. 

Sleepwalking is restercise

Yes! I just nailed an interview. I’m going to be a professional hammerer. 

Sleepwalking is restercise

In my new job, I have big shoes to fill. My predecessor was a midget. 

Sleepwalking is restercise

I wear my job like a robe. I can’t wait to take it off. I vacation like a nudist showers—in the rain, under an umbrella, with five judges watching and awarding style points. 

Sleepwalking is restercise

If you think my current job is boring, you should see the sleeper I did before. (I worked as a mattress salesman.)

Sleepwalking is restercise

I cry at weddings, but not funerals. One’s a sad event, and the other a joyous one. 

Sleepwalking is restercise

I know my kids are safe, because they’re still in my testicles.  Can I fix you an omelet? I make them by hand?

Sleepwalking is restercise

I’m with the Homework Police. Recruitment is up 20% since kids stopped learning about fractions.

Sleepwalking is restercise

I’ll kill my critics with kindness. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll use something deadlier, like a knife.

Sleepwalking is restercise

A country bumpkin doesn’t know bupkis about a kiss. I know, because I don’t even know what bupkis means. 

Sleepwalking is restercise

A quick smile, a nod of recognition, a hearty laugh, these are the sorts things you can do to make people feel welcomed as you keep them locked up in your torture dungeon. 

Sleepwalking is restercise