My STD test results came back, and sure enough, I’m a genius.
Ghosts are invisible. So are people who are perfectly average. Be great or be greatless.
My gift to you is not what’s in the box—it is the box. Happy Birthday!
I like giving gifts, but I like not spending money more.
I gave the robber a gift that transformed him from a thief to an honest recipient of a present when I said what he took from me wasn’t stolen, but was a gift from me to him. So with one gift I gave two gifts.
A hug—it’s been holding me back from achieving my goals.
Sales is a hard way to make money, trying to convince people to willingly pay you for a product or service. I prefer making money the old-fashioned way, by extortion, like the government does.
People say the government makes no money, but that’s not true. They make money like any bandit or robber does.
I started a Thank You Club. You’re welcome.
Birthday presents come in boxes, like coffins, filled with dead gratitude.
I hid my grief well. (Hint: it’s in the basement)
I was beside myself with grief. I was also beside myself with cloning.
I am the who in whodunnit. But I am not the dunnit.
If you ask me for a book to read, I’ll hand you a soda can. Start there.
She makes my heart flutter, like a butterfly with the wings of an eagle.
Her name was Melody, and she was like a song. A song on mute—because she was mute. Music to my heart.
Reach into your heart and find the gold in it. Mine is shaped like an Olympic medal.
My hobbies include urinating in empty apple juice bottles and then pouring the contents into kitty litter and trying to get the clumps to form shapes of historical figures.
