Seriously delirious, but not at all serious Quotes

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

In my dream I was a seal, and I made love to a seagull. Then I got eaten by a shark, because that’s just the way life is. Some fish gets jealous over a bird, and decides to chomp down on his competition. It happens all the time in the real world.

Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

I was nine minutes late for my last birthday party. And I was nine months on time for my first birthday.

Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

I got some body work done. Both to my car, and to my clone. Now my car looks like a complete stranger, and I look like a Mercedes.

Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

My asshole smells like a bookstore. So, are you a big reader?

Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

I’m a miner, and I’m always dirty, because I’m constantly digging. Am I shoveling for gold? Hardly. I’m unearthing this hearty land searching for the next great American novel. If I dig deep enough, I’m sure to find it.

Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

The problem with ebooks is you can’t get booger smears on the pages.

Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

I can read people like an open book, especially if their named Braille, and I’m in a touchy-feely mood.

Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

Like ice, this economy is more fluid than ever. Thanks, Washington, DC!

Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

The phrase “The cat’s out of the bag” tells that a secret’s been exposed to the world. But who put the secret, or cat, in the bag in the first place? I thought only kidnap victims were supposed to be kept in bags. 

Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

The ability to lick their own asses, does this make cats their own bosses?

Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

This is a cat’s world, and man’s just allowed to share in it.

Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

If I knew everything, life would be lonely, as everyone else would want to explore the world, and I’d be content with a cat on my lap sitting in the dark.  

Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

Every time I see my cat licking its asshole I think about my ex wife. But that’s how nostalgia works, right? We only remember the best of the available memories.

Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

There’s a 95% chance I’ll miss out on 5%.

Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

The Chinese used gunpowder to make fireworks for celebrations, and the white man came along and said, Holy shit, we can use this to kill people. What better way to celebrate than that? 

Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

Not only am I not my dad’s favorite child—I’m his only child.

Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

To choose to chew, rather than converse with my fellow dinner guests, was the choice I made when I chose the chewiest item on the menu. I wasn’t being rude. In fact, I was being polite. By ignoring them, I fulfilled and followed the aphorism: “It...

Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

When my coffee is gone, so is my motivation.

Seriously delirious, but not at all serious