My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands Quotes

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And just like that, as if I hadn't said anything at all, the ladies sprang into a conversation about the sinful nature the Jews possessed when killing their Lord Jesus. I didn't know if I was hearing this right because I had become so intoxicated, bu...

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would've told him I was into cannibalism.

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

When I get married, I'm gonna register at Bank of America.

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

My time in heaven was up, and I was being told I wasn't the marrying kind by someone who undresses for a living.

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

In fact, we'd discussed marriage on several occasions just because we seemed to get along so well, but after thinking long and hard, I realized it was not in my best interest to waste my first marriage on a gay man.

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

Yes, of course I want to get married, but does that mean I'm not allowed to go out and have a good time? Am I supposed to just marry any schmuck that comes along? And by the way, here's a newsflash, Hammertoes. Nobody wants to marry me, anyway.

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating.

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

I had always dreamed of being a professional escort but never thought that there was any real money in it.

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time.

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

We checked our bags and got on line with some of our fellow passengers. Judging from the looks of them, it was clear that they were members of a different income bracket from the people I preferred to surround myself with. But since I also wasn't fro...

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands