My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands Quotes

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There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

I have a question. Is it okay to drink while you're pregnant...if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

I don't like to overdose. Call me old-fashioned.

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. It's a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating.

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurse's hat on while your father, who is also naked, is chasing her with a bandanna around h...

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

My mother is European and expresses her love through food and cuddling. She wasn't the type of mother who would make it to school plays or soccer games, but if you wanted to stay at home sick, she was your girl. Whenever you'd go up to her room to cu...

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

I had heard my brothers and sisters use curse words but had never dared use one myself in front of anyone. But I had practiced alone in my room lots of times, trying out different cadences and into nations: 'Fuck, fuck, fuck you, fucknut. Shit, shits...

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking.

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

There are many ways to get to know someone, and my favorite is seeing them naked in Happy Baby pose. I also feel it is important to have sex soon after meeting someone in order to find out if you have sexual chemistry together. Otherwise, you could w...

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

My mother is the antithesis of a typical Jewish mother, she is very soft-spoken and takes more naps that a cat. As a result, I've always longed for someone to really annoy the shit out of me.

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

How could I have missed the opportunity to pop pills with my sister who was purer than a Quaker?

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands