It Occurred to Me Quotes

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This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep.

It Occurred to Me

I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug.

It Occurred to Me

A banker is a man who will lend you the short sleeve shirt off his back and demand a long sleeve one in return.

It Occurred to Me

I will never buy a fish tank, because I don't believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines.

It Occurred to Me

If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time.

It Occurred to Me

If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so familiar, I'd respond in a raspy voice, "Your brother ran over my brother.

It Occurred to Me

I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loud when I'm trying to sleep.

It Occurred to Me

Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.

It Occurred to Me

Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I'm also going to memorize his first name.

It Occurred to Me

In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated.

It Occurred to Me

If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them.

It Occurred to Me

I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42.

It Occurred to Me

I'm so excited. I just bought a new file cabinet, some manila folders, some sticky note pads, and a few highlighters, and I think I'm finally ready to enter into organized crime.

It Occurred to Me

To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle.

It Occurred to Me

I hate when I'm at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, "Paper or plastic?" It's offensive. As if I'm going to sleep with her just because she has a clever pick up line.

It Occurred to Me

I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.

It Occurred to Me

My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.

It Occurred to Me

I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial.

It Occurred to Me