If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.
I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.
I don't like customer service, because I don't believe the customer should have to pay and help out too.
My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster.
I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I'd throw it off a cliff.
My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly.
I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side.
The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss.
To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive.
When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance.
If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave.
If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.
I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q.
They say you fear what you don't understand. Maybe that's why every time I'm in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants.
I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob.
I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops.
I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob.
When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.
