If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger Quotes

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Viagra increases bloodflow to the penis, but what drug increases bloodflow to the brain?

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

If I were a professor, I’d bring my cat to class. I’d be silent until it meowed, and as soon as it did, I’d stand up and say, “Lecture’s over.

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

I got him a cool gift. I got him a pack of razors, and a really furry dead cat.

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow.

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

I pet my cat like a guitar, but I hold him like a stack of musical pancakes.

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

Is there a gun that shoots rain? Oh yeah, water guns. How technologically advanced we are!

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

The four years I spent in college were the best five years of my life.

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

My girlfriend asked if I wanted to go see a politician give a speech on “Ethics”, and I said, Sure, I might enjoy a bit of stand-up comedy.

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

She asked if she could have a word with me, and I replied, “So long as that word is yes.” If the word would’ve been no, I’d have said no.

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

With a phone to each ear, I’m efficient. One mouth, two ears, and two phones, I can talk to two people at once—and listen to neither.

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

I won a gold medal that day. I was a winner. Of course, since I was the only one competing, I was also a loser. It feels terrible coming in last place.

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

I was standing in a slow checkout line at the grocery store, and a woman with a daughter in front of me struck up a conversation. About two minutes in, she mentioned that her daughter just turned eighteen. “Oh my God!” I said. “Have you been wa...

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

The butcher died, and he requested to be cremated. But I don’t want to burn him, because I like my meat medium rare.

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart.

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

I don’t like dirt, because nothing is dirtier. Except politics. 

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

I cried during Old Yeller. Not the part when the dog got shot, but in the beginning, just before the movie actually starts.

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

I was driving over the Buckman Bridge when 9/11 happened. If I’d have know my actions would directly lead to the deaths of 3,000 people, I’d have taken another bridge. 

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

Men lie to get laid, women lie about orgasms, and hermaphrodites lie to themselves. 

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger