If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger Quotes

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I always bring a stick of butter to a knife fight.

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

She’s the kind of woman I could see myself spending the rest of my life with—after I turn 99.

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

Alcohol helps you to loosen up to make memories you won’t forget, and then it helps you to forget them completely.

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

I was the last person to see her alive. The cops don’t believe me, because I saw her before I was born.

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

I want to make enough money to buy an island. Something modest, like Australia.

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

USA was founded in 1776. Or so I was told. I wasn’t actually there, so I have to believe the history books—the same history books that are full of American propaganda lies.

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

The day my dad left my mom and I was the second saddest day of my life. The saddest day was the next day, when he returned home.


If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

A monster’s not a monster to another monster. At least that’s what I thought when I saw my mother-in-law talking to a statue of Stalin.

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

Several famous people have licked my nipples. Well, indirectly. First they licked the stamps, and then I peeled them off the letters and stuck them on my nipples.


If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

I called the police to report my missing mustache, but they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll bet if I had a mustache, they’d take me seriously. #catch22

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish.

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

A sex trophy should be functional, and shaped like a dildo, yet decorative, and shaped like Ben Bernanke. Insert it in your ass as desired.

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

Somebody left a pair of baby shoes on a bench. I would have taken them home, if only they weren’t too big for my feet.

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

I pee whilst seated. But it’s hard to focus with people honking at me.

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

Every sex noise can be converted into a note and frozen in a can of soda. Ask me about menstruation music today!

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

When she offered me a spot of tea, I said, “No thanks, I’ve already got a spot of tea on my shirt.

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

When someone says so-and-so’s opinionated, what’s that mean? Aren’t we all opinionated? Show me one person with no opinions, and I’ll show you a bowl of Jell-O—or a politician, whichever one’s dumber.

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

A can of tomato juice is not like a can of blood. Still, I drink one daily.

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger