I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview. Quotes

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I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.

I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

I want to go to all the topless bars in America and try to sell every single one of them a roof.

I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.

I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

I want to read the employment section of the Bible. I think it’s simply called Job.

I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work for him.

I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

If it’s not already written, I want to write a book called, “The Art of Raw.” But instead of using my real name, I’ll use the pseudonym, “Sun Tzushi.

I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

I want to write a book called, "Ten Steps to Asexuality." Of course, I recommend all those steps be taken in Birkenstock sandals.

I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

In a brave and noble way, I want to sacrifice my life one day so that two of my clones can live.

I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

I want to write a song about one man's level of commitment called, "I'd walk to the edge of the world, just to dump your body.

I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

Why does death have to stop #love? It doesn’t stop people from voting in Chicago.

I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

I want to understand the elements that compose courage in the same way I understand the periodic table. I feel that by knowing the periodic table of courage I can be courageous, at least periodically.

I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

I want to possess enough courage to fill a Campbell’s soup can. And then I want to use my courage to feed the homeless. Isn’t courage not only filling, but delicious?

I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

I want to scream sometimes, because I hate when people refer to a dead person as the “late” so and so. I’m sorry to break that bad news, but that person isn’t just late—they’re not even coming!

I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

Before I die, I want to change my name to "Here," so that my tombstone could simply read, "Here lies." And then people who knew me could walk by, shake their head, and say, "Ain't that the truth.

I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

I want a billion people to know my name as well as they know their own. I want to clone myself to fame.

I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me “F*** you.” Then I’ll go back to that person and pin the flower on their lapel in a gesture of friendship. And while they are looking down on it in astonishment, I’ll bunch up my knuckle...

I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

I want to be happy and sad at the same time. Yeah, I know it sounds sappy.

I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

I want to write a book on sex. It will be filled with phrases like "Uuuhgh yeeeaaaah," and "Ooooh that's it," and "Whose hands are those?

I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.