I had a dream about you. You were walking on stilts, and my neck was as long as a giraffe’s. It was perfect, because every time I’d lean in to kiss you, everyone on the other side of the fence at the zoo would begin cheering.
I had a dream about you. You were writing a book on how to write a book, and I was reading a book on how to read a book. You thought we were meant to be together, and I thought we were meant to be in a library.
I had a dream about you. You tried to stretch the truth like a midget on the rack, and I was looking to buy clothes off the discount rack. The truth had left me naked, exposed, and feeling cheap, while you were wearing a bright lie as casually as a n...
I had a dream about you. You were the general of a vast army, and you bragged that you had the loyalty of your men. And I was the proud owner of a million clones, and I thought you were silly, because there is no loyalty greater than to oneself. Stil...
I had a dream about you. I was a mannequin with a record player for a head, and you were an aspiring DJ. You lusted after me and I was appreciative, because you were the first person who wanted me for what’s going on in my head, and not because I h...
I had a dream about you. You left your popcorn in my microwave, so I decided to enact revenge by selling the essence of your stinky fridge as a fragrance marketed toward the same people who buy Kanye West albums.
I had a dream about you. You had just beat me in the 400 Meter IM at the Olympics. But I was competing in a white wedding dress, and you cheated and wore Michael Phelps’ Speedo. Still, I decided to marry you because instead of one ring, you offered...
I had a dream about you. You gained weight, but I didn’t mind because all the extra poundage went straight to your brain. You told me the meaning of life, but I was too skinny to comprehend.
I had a dream about you. You were a shallow person, and I was a public swimming pool with no deep end. In my mind you thirsted for me, but you probably just thought I was a giant toilet that didn’t flush.
I had a dream about you. We were at a fundraiser and you were on the hook for a lot of money. I was fishing.
I had a dream about you. I told you I loved you, and you stopped folding clothes, turned to look me in my eyes, and replied, “The cat food on the moon is probably all dry.” Then I started crying, because up until that point I had no idea that I m...
I had a dream about you. Due to the underwater nature of our relationship, I kept referring to you as Mrs. Fishface. You probably thought I was being racist, because you were in fact a dolphin.
I had a dream about you. We were out to dinner at some place fancy, like the Library of Congress. I ate a thick, rare James Joyce novel, and you ate a pig that looked like a congressman.
I had a dream about you. We were in the midst of WWIII and we both got drafted. I told the government the only thing I shoot is water guns, because I’m a farmer. I grow peace, and the whole world wants my crop.
I had a dream about you. I asked you to move to Ocala, and you suggested moving Ocala to where you are. I thought this was a sensible plan, so I bought cardboard boxes and shovels, to loose all the real estate we were going to have to pack up.
I had a dream about you. You were the love of my life, if just for one night. I brought your body pure pleasure, and your orgasm sounded exactly like an alarm clock going off.
I had a dream about you. I was a chef and you were a buffet. The people were starving, children were dying of malnutrition, and all the politicians tried feeding them rhetoric. I suggested we save the planet, and you agreed, at least until you realiz...
I had a dream about you. I was in love with you, but you didn’t even know I existed. In fact, like a politician with integrity, I didn’t exist, and that’s the best part, because it was in that moment that I realized that love exists even in non...
