I had a dream about you. Time didn’t exist for us. We were like two people who were in love who were always late. But we didn’t care, because where there is no time there is no money, and we were content to beg for food from people dressed like p...
I had a dream about you. You tried to stab me with the pointy end of a football, and I tried to stab you with an extra point. I wasn’t successful, so I took my six points and I went home.
I had a dream about you. You were naked and frightened. We were in the belly of the beast, and I was dressed like a football mascot, so that’s why we were eaten.
I had a dream about you. You were canned laughter, and I was a can of tomato paste. I was organic, but you were completely artificial. You thought people liked having you around, but I knew better. We all laughed at your fake laughter behind your bac...
I had a dream about you. We were standing next to each other, and a stranger asked for the time. My watch said 3:32, and yours said 3:33. I got concerned because somewhere I’d lost a minute, so you and I spent two minutes looking for it.
I had a dream about you. It was New Year’s Eve. I remember because we celebrated my birthday on March 5th. You gave me a gift, and we argued over whether it was late or early. I let you win the debate. And by win I mean I kept the gift but gave you...
I had a dream about you. You were a statistician, and you were tasked with eliminating unemployment. I thought only job creators—entrepreneurs—reduced unemployment, and you thought I was naïve because everybody believed jobs were created if the ...
I had a dream about you. It was raining Friday nights, and my umbrella wasn’t big enough to stop us both from being saturated with Saturdays, so me being the gentleman I am, I graciously offered to soak up all the weekends, leaving you dry like the...
I had a dream about you. I watched you grow up, and though I enjoyed the whole process, it did get pretty uncomfortable sitting in the tree holding those binoculars all those years.
I had a dream about you. We were in a bubble of love, shielded from a hateful world. This bubble bounced like a clear rubber ball, and we were able to compete in dodge ball tournaments—not as players, but as equipment.
I had a dream about you. I asked you, “I haven’t Heaven in your pants, have I?” and you deferred to your dad, who made me sign a waver and waved me off after putting my name on the waiting list.
I had a dream about you. You were shivering, and I didn’t know if you were cold or frightened. Being the gentleman that I am, I offered you a sweater woven from the wails from a thousand sinners sizzling in hell.
I had a dream about you. You were completely naked, except for full body armor, and I was lying on a bed trying to roll a magnum condom on a medieval sword. I wanted a baby, but you killed that idea.
I had a dream about you. I’ll bet you are a much better lover in real life, and I hope your prices aren’t as high as I imagined.
I had a dream about you. You were whispering in Van Gogh’s ear, which was in my pocket at the time, so people thought you were storing secrets in my pants. The NSA got jealous, as they do with everyone.
I had a dream about you. Aside from you, The Carpenter was also there. I was a cross between a hammer and a nail, and I was looking for a way to build myself up. You tried to sell me two pieces of lumber, but The Carpenter outbid me.
I had a dream about you. We drank coffee with straws and laughed. We ate soup with straws and laughed. Then I nasally and noisily inhaled your giggles with a straw, like cocaine, and I laughed, but you didn’t, because I’d just snorted your joy.
I had a dream about you. We laughed, and laughed, and laughed, like little kids, only we weren’t kids, we were just little. I think the technical term is midgets.
