I had a dream about you. You were a burlesque dancer in a burlap sack, and I was a first-time kidnapper. I wanted to be rich in dance moves, and I thought the best way to achieve it would be to extort it from your talented family.
I had a dream about you. My pee was cloudy, and I brought an umbrella to the urinal. You were the Coach of the Men’s Room, and you were giving me advice on how to be a better weatherman. But I didn’t listen, because I was the arrogant five-time M...
I had a dream about you. We made love for what seemed like eternity, but was probably closer to forever. You were happy, I was happy, the judges were happy, and everybody in the audience was happy except for this one jerk who accused me of using perf...
I had a dream about you. You were sipping wine, and I was chugging vodka. I was talking to a beautiful woman, and you were trying to lick my armpit. You had a rough tongue, and I woke up to find my cat curled up next to me.
I had a dream about you. I was lonely and you were lonely, and you suggested that we could be lonely together. But I just scoffed because if we were lonely together, we wouldn’t be lonely. So I wandered off to be by myself. Then I got hit by a truc...
I had a dream about you. We were checking in to a haunted hotel, and you said you forgot your toothbrush. I told you my left pants pocket was empty if you wanted to clean your teeth with that, but you said you’d rather suffer through halitosis, bec...
I had a dream about you. You were wearing an ice cream cone for a hat, and I was wearing a dunce cap. You were jealous of me because my hat was a bigger cone than yours, and I was jealous of you because your hat was edible. In the end we decided to t...
I had a dream about you. You were talking on the phone like it was a banana, and my body was cramping up due to low potassium levels. I tried waving at you to get your attention, but I wasn’t wearing any pants so you probably didn’t notice me.
I had a dream about you. You were a bestselling author, and I was a bestselling author seller. You called me a slave trader, but I called myself an agent.
I had a dream about you. I was a giraffe, and you were a stripper using my neck as a pole. We made a great team, sort of like the 1987 Cincinnati Reds, minus the Pete Rose cheating scandal. Well, baseball called it cheating, but I call it enterprisin...
I had a dream about you. You were Mickey Mantle, and I was a fireplace without a mantle. I didn’t like baseball, so I kept telling you that you could do something productive with your life, like becoming a Tupperware salesman.
I had a dream about you. The sun was setting on our relationship like the sun was rising over the ocean. It was so beautiful, with all the pinks and soft blues.
I had a dream about you. Before I shaved my beard, I looked like a cat. My facial hair accurately represented my political beliefs, and if you don’t agree, well you can just lick my asshole.
I had a dream about you. We were dissecting love like it was a frog. You were squealing, I was squeamish, and Professor Warmwind was breathing down my neck.
I had a dream about you. People didn’t understand our relationship. You were a birdwatcher, and I was a pair of binoculars. You may not have loved me, but your love passed through me, and that was good enough for me.
I had a dream about you. We were almost omniscient, seeing all the problems in this world. We noticed the scratch on my bumper, the ding in my passenger-side door, and the bloodstains in the trunk of my car. But we didn’t notice the biggest problem...
I had a dream about you. You were a cumulus cloud that looked like you, and I was a sky gazer waiting for you to get naked and rain all over my sunbaked body.
I had a dream about you. You looked like a real shark in your dolphin suit. I looked like the referee of the animal kingdom—the zebra—as I was dressed like a stack of Oreo cookies. For once I just wanted people to want me for me, and not because ...
