At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it. Quotes

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With the rising cost of food, either the portions get smaller, or the quality gets inferior. So, for example, pizza that used to taste like cardboard now tastes like carpet. Unvacuumed carpet, because I asked for lots of toppings.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

I had a missed call. It’s probably the all you can eat buffet calling to say, “Come back! We know you can eat just a little bit more.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

I met a guy who had an interesting job. He was a meat cutter, or a meat slicer, something like that. I probably butchered his job title. 

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

If I were a magician, I’d hand out broken compasses. It’s all about misdirection. 

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

I went to a football game once and got punched in the face, but you couldn’t tell because I was already sitting in the nosebleed section.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

I’m not a ref, but I assigned her the penalty of clipping, and I told her to drop the scissors and step away from the newspaper ads.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

To show the football coach I was ready to play tight end, I wore no pants and had a Q-tip dangling out of my ass.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

With intellectual labor your hard work is forever, while with manual labor your hard work is temporary and soon forgotten.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

If we’re friends, I’m only the funniest guy you know because you don’t know John Cleese. Or Steve Martin. Or Jack Handey. Or, or, or, I could go on for Orafoura.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

Even free things, things that cost no money, still cost time.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

It’s hard to steal somebody’s shoes while they are wearing them and not have them notice. But that’s what politicians have done in this country. Not only that, but they replaced all our footwear with concrete boots. 

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

In the name of freedom and redistribution of wealth, I’ve decided to grow a beard on my chest.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

The man lying on the sofa seemed friendly. But how friendly could he really be if he was a liar? 

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

I was hot so I gave myself a haircut. I then saw a bald man sweating, so I offered to tweeze his eyebrows. He accepted and was so grateful that he offered to trade mustaches with me. In remembrance of that special bonding moment, I still wear his mus...

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

I’d kill for any one of my friends. Thankfully for the overpopulated prison system, I don’t have any friends.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

How far would I go to be friends with someone? Halfway.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted to shave it off and inhale it.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.