At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it. Quotes

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I went on a date last night and things went well. If you must know, I got lucky. I found a four-leaf clover.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

When I found him lying in the ditch holding a shovel, I thought he was sleeping on the job. Turns out he was being even lazier, and he was in fact dead.  

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

After my first coaching experience, the field looked more like Gettysburg than a normal defeat. But it wasn’t that bad, as only about half my team lay dead, while the rest were merely dying.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

I inherited a pound from my British uncle. I’d have rather gotten a dollar, because what do I want with an animal shelter? 

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

I told the tree it was going nowhere in life. It was hurtful, but true. Now, maybe in death it will go somewhere, as furniture.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

The peace corps looks like peace corpse, and death isn’t a very peaceful thought to me.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

I wasn’t dead, I was asleep. There’s a difference, however slight. That subtle difference is between being a stiff and having a stiffy.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

I wrote something for my local newspaper, but nobody read it because it got buried in the obituary section.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

Black holes are darker than magic markers, but not as black as my mood.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

In a depression, I’d imagine rich people try to dress like they’re poor, and poor people try to dress like they’re rich. As for me, I try to dress exactly like my clone would.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

A part-time worker is fully employed, half the time. In other words, they are part-time unemployees.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

I bought you a gift. It’s something I’ve always wanted, but I’m not quite sure you’ll like it. So if you don’t want it just tell me and I’ll be happy to keep it. After all, I’m only interested in making you happy.  

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

I used to be a bumper sticker kind of writer. Now I’m more developed, and my writing often takes up whole bumpers.  

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

Because I’m emotionally immature, I’d prefer letting go of you early and always remembering you as you were, rather than hanging on and letting things develop and blossom and then eventually decay.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

I thought I was eating a candy bar, but it turned out to be a yummy burrito. I was both disappointed and appointed at the same time.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

God ordered the world and all things in it, and I ordered a pizza and all things on it.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

A female cop in my dream observes a shuffle, and takes note, but doesn’t fully see the bank robbery I have just committed during the planned distraction. All she sees is a man with a lot of money and draws the wrong conclusion—that I am more hand...

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

A fuel pump is a fountain drink machine for cars. And people who want to save the environment and get drunk and run to work.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.