At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it. Quotes

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I’m as thirsty as an elephant penis in the snow. I’m ready to love again.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

Do I own my soul, or would two of my clones?

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

I love so much you could probably see my affection from space with the naked eye (take off your eyelids, woman!)

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

My thermos does such a good job of keeping my tea hot that it feels like I’m drinking iced tea.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

Before I’ll take my clone on as a pupil in the craft of writing, he must prove his worthiness. He must write 100 thoughts down, of which 10 might be interesting. If he’s done that, good, then he must write 1,000 thoughts, of which 200 might be in...

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

Most people buy the highest quality television sets, only to watch the lowest quality television shows. 

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

I don’t think I’d come off well on TV. But if you ever see me on, my advice is to add more bleach and keep scrubbing the screen.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

It’s good if you think bad thoughts, because at least you’re thinking. That’s more than most people do.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

The thought made my toes curl up, but only because the ground made it impossible for them to curl down.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

If the ink of my writing morphed into ants, would they march along with my thoughts? Would they find my work as enjoyable as a picnic? If the answer is no, I wouldn’t hesitate to stomp all over my writing.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

Inside my skull is a turtle shell. Inside the turtle shell is a rabbit. And inside the rabbit, all my tasty thoughts constantly stew.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

I keep odd hours. I keep them stuffed under my mattress.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

Yesterday led me to today, which will lead me to tomorrow. Follow me, but stay a day behind.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

Today likes to happen before tonight. Impatient, I guess. 

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

So many trees, so few chimneys.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

I’ll write something that’s 111% true. It’ll be so true that it’ll be 100% false.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

The most deadly combination known to man is low IQ and high testosterone.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

Sometimes we can’t see what’s right in front of us, because it’s behind us, and we’re looking in a mirror.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.