At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it. Quotes

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Welcome to,to,to,to,to Stutterville! P,p,p,please have a seat on your own lap.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

I didn’t shave my mustache off. Instead what I did was taped Elton John’s asshole to my top lip and then all of the sudden I had twice the dick in my mouth as before. It was almost more than I could swallow. Almost. 


At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

I’ve got hair in my mouth, because I replaced my teeth with my cat. This makes it more fun to pet my gums.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

Pet my 3:33 pm like it’s a beard. Live it, but don’t lick it.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

Dialogue between two characters, each of them different forms of karate, might be a bit choppy.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

I would have made you a cheesecake, but I don’t know how. And I would have bought you a cheesecake, but I have no job and no money. So please accept this stack of coupons instead.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee?


At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

Sleeping in a tinfoil suit keeps me warmer and helps prepare me for my voyage to the moon. Would you care for some licorice?

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

I am Fried Quiero Loud Babcock (not bad cock), and I am here for the ranch dressing your father promised my father, 53 years ago. Kindly pour some on my salad and I’ll be on my way.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

I got fat, and I decided to do something about it, so I got fatter.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

I refuse to dispense chewable advice for free. I’m not a bubblegum machine. No, my fees are 25 cents higher.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

I admire the Stanley Cup. I’ll bet winning it could provide enough clean water for half of Africa (the middle half).

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

I was seen spotted with an older woman and a girl half my height in age. A leopard was also spotted.


At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

I work for a mom and pop business. They’re my mom and pop, and by work I mean they give me an allowance. But that’ll end soon. By age 30, in just a few months, they said it’d be time for me to earn a living. I guess that means they’ll want me...

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

If people lived to be a thousand years old, there’d be extreme inequality, based not on class like now, but on genetics. Think how far behind unmotivated and lazy people lag now after only 65 years on earth, and then multiply that by 15.


At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

My 30th birthday will be arriving in a few months. It’s not arriving unexpectedly, I just wish it would have given me more of an advance notice, say another 30 years.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

If kids six and under eat free, then I’m an infant. Or at least infantile. Bring on the steaks.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

My wife is younger. At one point, I was twice her age. Of course, I was six at the time.

At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.