A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom Quotes

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Some wise guys came by my business establishment and tried to offer me neighborhood protection. They weren’t mafia, but they were wearing togas.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

When you pay for security, it seems like you’re paying for nothing—and that’s the point. You’re paying so nothing happens. Safety is the absence of something.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

A writer edits his thoughts more thoroughly the more readers he has. You can tell I only have two readers, myself included.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

Instead of breaking people down, try building them up. Every person is a brick, and if you are a successful builder, you’ll have a formidable wall, and few people willing to oppose you.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

She had two blueberries for eyes, and hair the color of strawberries. Too bad our love never made it past the kitchen and into the bedroom (or garage).

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

We didn’t know each other, but that didn’t stop me from ignoring him.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

I’m into older women, because all women are older women. Every second the woman you love is an older woman.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

I just started seeing someone, which is a relief, because the last girl I dated was invisible.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

My reputation precedes me. It shows up about fifteen minutes before I do, eats, and then leaves without paying or tipping.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

You should shoot. I should shoo.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

I can run 50 yards faster than I can mow them.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

I have a secret knock. It’s so secret that I never use it, lest you hear my knuckles knocking and try to reproduce a knock off to sell on the black market.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

In my closet I have boxes and boxes of secrets. These boxes are all empty, and that’s how you know they’re filled with secrets.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

Teamwork: I love the idea of all for one—especially if that one is me.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

I’m like Casanova meets Henry Ford. My reproduction methods are more like production methods one might see in a factory, complete with conveyer belts, mechanical assistance, and cheap labor.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

I know it’s not your birthday, but would you like some birthday dick? It’s on sale today.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

I sleep on the coasts of my bed, but I make love in the Midwest.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

Too bad my car key won’t start my house. And to answer your unasked question, no you can’t use my toaster like a dual vagina. At least not for the two-for-one price. That price only applies on Tuesdays.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom