A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom Quotes

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Empty packets of hot sauce remind me of the love I used to have for her. Now all I’m left with is this yummy taco.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

I’d rather ride a unicorn than a unicycle. But my enemies, they could all ride a unicycle with a horn instead of a seat.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

I’m not in the system. I’m starting to question my own existence.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

I’m more terrified of failure than rejection—so I’ll no my way to YES!

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

A leap of faith doesn’t involve leg strength. Still, I can’t take any chances, so I’ve been doing squats.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

I’m thirsting for fame. I’m so fucking thirsty. Somebody bring me a tall glass of saltwater with a side order of desert.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

I’ll make a name for myself, after I make a copy of myself. The key to a productive life is cloning.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

Some men eat dinner with silverware. Some use chopsticks. I prefer zippers.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

I blended into the kitchen like a blender, but I made so much noise that I nearly woke up the strawberries and bananas. You should hear me make love. (I sound like an ice machine, but I’m as motionless as an empty ice cube tray.)

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

I can’t sell sex for money, but what if I change sex’s name to food? Then can I sell it freely in the street?

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

You can have your cake, but you can’t eat it. You have to sit there and watch me scarf it down.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

Smaller plates discourage gluttony. But so does dining with dwarves.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

I can be a better friend, lover, and humanitarian, but I can’t be a better eggroll. Sadly, I’m as good of an eggroll as I’ll ever be.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

Boxes of toilet paper make the best birthday presents. They really show I give a shit.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

Please, allow me a moment to put my penis back where it belongs. I should never have taken it out of its plastic wrapping before you’d finished opening all your other gifts.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

A clone would make a great birthday gift, because it’s the only gift that keeps on giving. At least it’d better give me a birthday present every year. It owes its life to me.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

A great gift would be a cheap pen, mounted on a wooden plaque, with the accompanying label that reads, “This is the pen that was first used to write down these words. This is history. This happened. Now, go write your own history. But use another p...

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

Sometimes it feels like I’m walking around with bricks for shoes, not going anywhere.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom