A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom Quotes

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I’ll wipe a booger on your wall, not only to say I was here, but also to say thanks for having me over.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

I crumpled up a piece of paper and threw it in the garbage. Then I quickly snatched it out, because hell, I’d just tossed out a Frank Gehry knockoff. What you call trash, I call architecture.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

I told the cops I’ve been framed. I told them to just go look in the art gallery.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

One of the side effects of Viagra is blurred vision. Sounds great! When I’m taking a pill to pop a stiffy, how great is it that any woman I look at has blurred features and therefore is as beautiful as an impressionistic painting?


A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

A car crash could be considered art, and I’d like to install one in a museum. Helmets would be sold at the admission booth.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

It’s not enough to be the best. You also have to be seen by the most. A masterpiece painting hanging in the storage unit of the artist who painted it is not art—it’s irrelevant. It’s also a tragedy.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

She told me to draw the curtains shut, so I grabbed my pencil and began to sketch.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

After I’m famous, I want my statue to be made out of beige Jell-O, and I want to be portrayed naked, so my genitals jiggle in the wind.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

He said he thinks he’s God, and I said, In that case, I’m an atheist.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

Life seems so am/pm. But really it’s not as balanced as all that.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

I can throw an orange like a baseball, but I can’t eat a baseball like an orange. Let that be a life lesson for you.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

I was once in a battle trying to fight my way out when I realized it’s better to sneak out.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

The beautiful part about killing someone with an icicle is the murder weapon melts and then evaporates. And your assassination can be fruit flavored!

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

Since the day I was born, I’ve spent my time being a human being, and I regard this as a good decision. But not a great one.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

Just because I flap my arms, that doesn’t make me a bird. No, I’m a bird because I believe myself to be. That’s the power of faith.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

The best part about teamwork, is me collecting all the prize money. Hey, that’s what captains are for, right?

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

Clones: Why should you take the blame for your mistakes when there’s a genetic replica of yourself that’d make a perfectly good scapegoat?

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

My writing, it’s all I have. Well, aside from my health. And shelter, food, and clothing. Oh, and my cat.

A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom